Archive for the ‘Birthday!’ Category

Good early morning to everyone out there who is up and grasping gasping clinging to their pieces of aloneness, like me. Even when there are pieces of toys all over the floor and dishes to wash and clothes strung up on the lamp shades, I’m alone I’m alone I’m alone, and it’s nice.

Today was a beautiful day. Maybe not as beautiful as those days that came before it, weather wise, and maybe the babe and I spent most of it sitting around playing Legos and watching cartoons and listening to French music, but it was beautiful. Beautiful because the babe was happy all day. The perfect little person, who giggled and occupied himself with toys and got on all fours with me to play puppy. Who, when asked if he wanted a drink would reply, “Oh, no sanks you”, and who sang frere jaque to me and who danced a silly dance and shook his booty with me, even when usually he would tell me to stop, “No, stop mama, don’t shake that booty”. It was beautiful because we were happy, and we ventured outside even, and outside I looked over at where kitten is buried and today I didn’t cry. Today I let go a little more and said to myself, “It will be okay, this will all be okay.”

Today was even more beautiful because today (okay, let’s go with technically yesterday, but I haven’t slept yet, so it’s today), is my Grandma’s birthday! I’m not going to say how old, because I’m not sure about the manners surrounding that, but I will say that she is marvelous. One of the most important people in my life. A lot of the time when I write, I’m writing for her. Not necessarily to make her proud, because I know that simply in writing, in doing something I love, I’ve made her proud, but more just because I’d like to show her that little piece published one day and make her smile. Hopefully, the babe and I will get to spend an extended weekend with her and the dogs. We both like it there, and there more than anywhere else my soul feels at rest.

So, readers out there where ever you are, I’m going to retire tonight with a smile and hope for more days filled with sunshine and rainclouds and beauty. Cheesy, yeah yeah, but I deserve cheese sometimes.

What fills your days with beauty?

Oh lookie, a bird of paradise!


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It’s been a while since I’ve been around these parts.  I’ve been in the midst of a hurricane of school work, scrambling to graduate in December.  I’ve also woken up covered in diarrhea, vomit, tears the past week.  No, I have not clinked chardonnay glasses one too many times.  Yes, both me and the Babe ended up with the stomach flu.  It was the Babe that was taken down first.  Right before I left for French class he wandered outside with the G-pa to take a swim, let out a pitiful cry, and then projectile vomited a days worth of half-chewed hot dogs and tea all over the pool deck.  My poor sweetie, he’s never experienced the sensations associated with major stomach upset before and wasn’t sure what to do.  He was scared.  He wimpered, “Mommy”, and I cried along with him because all you can do in that situation is wait.  He galloped between sessions of serious tummy troubles where he laid out on the floor and whimpered before I helped him hover over a big blue vomit bowl, and running around the room laughing in glee.  Babies are the strangest creatures.  His troubles lasted about 48 hours, and where his ended mine began.  Needless to say, I wasn’t as exuberant as dear babe in the throes of my affliction. But, enough about vomit.  Today is more special than stomach flu.

Today is devoted to one of the most important people in my life.  Today is for my dear friend, J-to the essie.  She turned the big 25 two days ago, when I had originally intended to write this blog, but got caught up in life.  Her, the babe and I all went on a journey to the beach.  We watched the waves while we sunk ourselves into the shoreline and the surfers on the horizon played God’s game with the sharks at their toes.  We pondered the notion that the babe would one day be a surfer, and then rejected, remembering that most surfers are elitist assholes who think that the sea and the beach and the sky all belong to them.  From the beach we went to hang out adult style and dance and forget who we are and where we came from and where we’re going.  We evoked the name of Buddha and laughed about our existence and insisted that we did indeed exist.

It’s hard for me to describe what my J-to the-essie means to me.  At times she has been a mystery that I’ve wanted to pry open and untangle and set straight.  She’s tall and thin and fashionable.  She’s all made up of art; an amazon with poetry lips.  Most of the time I just want to sit with her and talk about all the things that most others wouldn’t understand.  Or laugh about jokes that we came up with years and years ago.  Mostly, I just love her.  Because she’s special and a mix of artsy nerdy doesn’t fit in, and Latina goddess.

This one goes out to all best friends.


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My sweet little baby bean turned the big 2 today (or, yesterday, depending on the hour in which I post this).


Nom Nom Nom

Just a finger in the picture, nothing to see here, folks

We had a dinosaur themed party and all of his lovely family and friends came out to celebrate.  Obviously, the splash pad was a hit.

When we got home I assumed my initial, “haven’t finished homework” panic mode, and began scanning the room for distractions while I frantically skimmed over passe compose of pronomial verbs in French.  But then I looked at him, all 28 lbs of him, and I wanted to just stop it all and play.  So I did.

I climbed into the puppy tent with my little puppy and we screamed and rolled around.  The pup said, “We’re stuck!”, and we pretended to claw our way out.  He said, “How get out??” and we rolled around more and made the tent fly all across the family room and into feet, legs, and little cousins in our adventure.

When I look at the pictures of my just born baby bean, his tiny pudge cheeks and his little o mouth, and then at my walking talking genius toddler, I feel a surge of panic.  I can’t pinpoint where it comes from.  Me not being where I wanted to be when he turned two, not having accomplished what I set out to accomplish, not necessarily raising him the way that I had planned on raising him.

Some of it is that as he gets older the time between when sister was here, and the time I’ve had without her, grows longer.  And she doesn’t get to see him.  And I’m becoming more and more years older than she was.  I know that it doesn’t help anything by saying it, because it will never be true, but I wish she were here to help me with him.  I wish she were here to see what a beautiful and wonderful person the Babe is, I wish she could be proud of me for helping this sweet person to grow.

I guess that falls into the category of one of those things that I can’t help, so I have to move past.  I can be strong enough to raise this little person, and to help him to see a life that grows more bountiful and wonderful with each passing day.  I know a lot of it is him, but I like to think that his shining face and sweet spirit has been helped along just a little bit by me.

Two years ago this sweet face showed up at my doorstep 🙂

Happy Birthday my sweetie Jude, keep on growing and changing the world, you’ve changed mine fo’ sure.


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