So, Full disclosure, right? That is what this blog is supposed to be. That’s what I set out for it to be.
If I’m being truly honest here, holding nothing back, this is hard. I don’t want to admit it, but it is. This is really really hard. I mean, the part where I’m taking sixteen upper level credit hours and attempting to raise a two year old by myself, sort of kind of except with tons of help from my parents. It’s hard that I feel like I’m not good enough. I can’t study hard enough or put in enough time. I can’t make the Babe’s life what it should be. I can’t offer it the beauty it deserves. I can’t go a day without popping on the cartoons to distract the ever brilliant toddler baby while I try to breeze through another chapter, another set of french vocab. I have to tell him, “Soon, baby.” when he says, “Play kitchen, Mama?”.
This is hard, and I’m scared.
It’s not that I think the Babe is not going to turn out beautiful and brilliant. He will, because it is inherent in him. But I’m scared that in being neglectful he won’t be able to enjoy life to the fullest. I won’t be able to teach him enough, and I’ll leave him with hang ups about who he is or where he belongs. Because the biological daddy has decided that he no longer wants to invest time or energy or love in raising the babe, I worry that he will forever feel abandoned. Or that my sadness will seep into him-the slightly pulled smile and too-short-temper at night-will leave some part of him unwhole.
I worry even more about the genes that the biological father contributed. Maybe, possibly, beyond my control, he’ll become what his father is. When the two-year-old tantrums come out and bowls of cereal fly across the room, the Babe with his hands open, spouting, “I’m mad!”, I try not to imagine him as a full grown person, books and mirrors and people all shattered in his wake. But I can’t. I can’t help but worry that some kind of poison was planted in him via his genetic make-up, and one day he’ll surrender to the same demons his father does. And what can I do then? Sit and cry? Beg? What could I do with his father, but just let go?
Maybe that’s the hardest part. I could let go of the father knowing that he didn’t want to be here, anyway, and that the very knowledge of that was endangering to the Babe. But you can’t let go of a child. I couldn’t let go of him, and if he were caught up in a poison that was buried deep inside of him I would have to get caught too. I would have to survive alongside him. Hold him. Burn out.
I know this is too much for a two-year-old. I know that in all likelihood there won’t be a trace of drug-addict inside of him. And, I should just concentrate on him now. His crinkled nose, little almond blue eyes, the way sweet little moon of his belly as it rounds over his hips.
A beautiful girl that I knew all too briefly contacted me the other day. She gave me a little perspective in helping to realize that most of us are a little bit chipped, or abused or just sad. That we all come from similar stock, but that we grow and change and move together. We come together and share our stories and heal. We end up delicious and savory and full ‘o flavor.
Some Pictures thrown in just for fun? I say, yes.
Genetics can’t touch environment and Jude couldn’t be surrounded by a more loving, caring, encouraging, supportive, and fun family. You’ll never be happy about having to balance spending time with him and going to school but he’s got no shortage of love & attention and you’re worried about it because you’re a good mom.
Thank you so much Allison :). I’ll try to keep your words in mind when life gets hectic. I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m doing a good job, and that eh Jude is turning out wonderful.
I think, you’re doing what you have to do now, so he won’t have to suffer later.
Sure, it may be difficult, and these are his impressionable years, but you’re also a great mother. When you are away from homework you guys do really important things together. You only have a few more months of school, then you’re free! Jude couldn’t have been born to a more incredible person. You’re patient, kind, open-minded, and objective. These are great tools for parenthood!
As for his temper tantrums, much of that is age related. Sure, part of it may be frustration, but some of it too comes from the fact you do spoil him a bit. However, he loves you dearly. This is all tough love, and hopefully your sacrifice will be seen in the years to come.
Just stay committed, and he will see all of your hard work.
PS, I subscribed to your blog!
Daw Philip, thaaannnkksss :D.
Those are natural fears for any parent in your situation. Children are incredibly resilient. As long as your boy knows he is loved and has solid role models from both genders, he’ll be fine. It’s a fact of human existence that not everything is within our control. No matter how good a parent one is, sometimes things go wrong. But by loving your child and showing him you’re willing to sacrifice and do what’s necessary to take care of him and make a life for the both of you, you’re greatly stacking the odds in his favor. Of course it would be better if his dad were a devoted, solid citizen, but lots of awesome people had less than idyllic childhoods. You’re doing everything that’s within your power, and you’re obviously a far better mom than many, many kids have.
I know it’s hard, I can only imagine how hard, but you are doing a great job. Hang in there and keep fighting.
Thank you so much. You always have so many nice things to say, it leaves me with a smile :).
If it makes you feel any better, my biological father is an alcoholic, as was his father. Addiction is something that runs in my family, in my blood. But, I have an amazing family and support system, and I turned out just fine. You’re an amazing mother to baby, your family is incredibly supportive, and your father will show baby just how to be a man and a great person. Baby has so much love around him, so much support. As long as he knows you love him and he knows that everyone around him loves him(like me, Jessie, Tarah, Tyler, Corey, your mom, dad, etc), he’ll be ok. You’re a fantastic mother Aimes. I’m proud to call you my friend and so proud of the woman you’ve become. I love you both and your family so much.
Thank you sarah bearah puddin’ pie. I love how much you love both your dads. Knowing that gives me so much hope for Jude’s future!
Let me know if there is something I can do to help.
Paul
jpf256@yahoo.com
770-776-7853
Aw, well thanks!
My lovely Aimee, you know there is nothing you can’t survive. And Jude will be the same. You only have to see how often he smiles and laughs to realize he loves his life, and his mama more than anything.
Don’t forget, he also loves his Jessie. He was playing kitchen the other night and pretending to feed you different dishes.
All that worrying sounds about normal. Good mothers worry. Great mothers worry too much. You worry too much. Do the math, mama.
Wah. You are sweet and nice. That gave me a smile.
Don’t worry, I’ll keep that sweet nice thing a secret.
If I were just a little bit younger, I’d prove you wrong by prank calling Paul.
😀